


best of wives and women

by brandflakeeee



Series: the world is quiet here [8]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 05:30:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18004736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandflakeeee/pseuds/brandflakeeee
Summary: the snicket brothers rescue their wives. or attempt to.





	best of wives and women

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Starcrier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starcrier/gifts).



> basically an excuse for me to write banter. this falls into my verse where everyone is alive and everything is great, but you really don't have to read the previous stories to enjoy this little thing. this is also for the lovely starcrier, my new best friend who also requested this. it's unbeta'd so please don't fire me.

“I’m getting too old for this.”

“You’re younger than I am.”

“Yes, but the fact of the matter is that you are very much in shape and I, having spent my most recent years sedentary and at a typewriter, are not.”

“That’s your own fault, I’m afraid.”

Lemony Snicket did not dignify his brother, Jacques, with a response. His focus was on climbing the ladder before him, anything but encouraged by Jacques’ voice from above. Were all ladders this tall? Granted, usually ladders on the sides of buildings had to be quite tall in order to span the height of them, but it had looked slightly less tall from the ground. Perspective, the most logical part of his brain reminded. Given the situation at hand, however, it was difficult to apply logic to most of anything. Not with Beatrice in danger.

Beatrice was his prime focus, and why he had agreed – well, _demanded_ – to accompany Jacques to rescue her and Olivia both. The pair had been off on what had been billed and promised as a simple gathering of information and had gone dark. Investigation had led to find them captured by an unknown threat. It had been a very chaotic twenty-four hours.

Initially he’d thought to stay with the children, for their own safety. He had promised to protect them. In the end, they’d all but forced him out the door to rescue their mother with the Quagmires demanding much the same of Jacques. How were they to refuse?

“Wouldn’t it have been more efficient to climb in through a lower entrance? The basement, perhaps?” He inquired as Jacques disappeared over the ledge above.

“It’s a warehouse. There isn’t a basement.”

“Oh, _forgive_ me. I wasn’t aware you had the place memorized.”

Lemony pulled himself over the ledge onto the warehouse roof. It was a deserted place at the edge of the city. Out of the way. Quiet. Where criminals and vagabonds and all sorts were not likely to be found, which Lemony presumed was how they liked it (vagabonds here meaning evil do-ers and other suspects partaking in villainous activities).

Jacques scanned the roof, then headed toward a row of skylights inlaid along the surface. He peered in them as he crossed; Lemony followed swiftly behind and followed his gaze. Dim lighting, stacks and crates in no real order – certainly nothing that resembled his beautiful, dark haired wife.

His brother stopped at a skylight mid-roof, and Lemony joined him to peer through the glass below.

Beatrice and Olivia tied to chairs back to back, with two armed men on either side of them.

“Even numbered, at least.” Lemony murmured.

Two more men stepped out from behind another stack of crates, patrolling.

Jacques arched a brow. Lemony shrugged.

“We can pop open one of the skylights near the edge. There are catwalks in the ceiling. We can drop down and get the advantage. They won’t be expecting it.”

“I didn’t bring climbing gear.”

“---how did Beatrice ever work with you as a partner?”

“Quite frankly, she did most of the physical work.”

“Of course.” Jacques set his pack on the ground and began to pull out long lengths of black, strong looking rope with hooks attached to the ends. “Come on.”

With relative ease they were able to enter through one of the skylights in a darker corner of the building, lowering themselves onto a series of catwalks and iron beams that crossed over the entire ceiling like a massive grid. Voices echoed but Lemony couldn’t quite tell what they were saying – inconsequential at the moment.

“So we drop in and what? Hit them? They have guns.” He murmured as Jacques settled into the walkway beside him.

“We’ll have to disarm them.”

“Or distract them.”

“Distracting means bullets flying through the air. I don’t feel like getting shot today, Lemony.”

“Then stay out of the way of the bullets.”

They followed the grid of walkways with careful, silent steps until they were more directly over Beatrice and Olivia, who’s heads were pressed together. The two armed men were still holding positions on either side of them, with the other two patrolling in slow circles around the rest of the warehouse; every once in a while they would disappear behind the crates or boxes and Lemony would lose sight of them.

“We could split up, take each side. Double surprise.”

“It would make us more difficult to hit being separated. Together we form a rather large target.”

“I’ll take left, you take right?”

Lemony nodded once his agreement, and began to slowly pick his way across the iron grid to the right. Jacques mirrored on the opposite side. In truth, he had never been quite fond of heights and found himself trying very hard not to look directly down. If he fell, he’d certainly never hear the end of it from anyone ever again. Perhaps they’d even engrave it into his epitaph.

Jacques slowed as they came upon the two armed men and Lemony did the same. His brother made a series of hand gestures that Lemony could not immediate decipher. Something about a swan taking flight into a hurricane flying in a south eastern direction, which made no sense at all and for a moment Lemony considered that perhaps his brother had lost his mind.

Seemingly fed up with Lemony, Jacques hooked his rope around part of the beam he stood on, testing it with his weight before he slowly descended over the side. He paused until the two patrolling men disappeared behind the crates again, before suddenly and quickly descending the rest of the way, right onto the shoulders of one of the stationary guards. He let out a sudden cry as his gun skidded away; Jacques kicked it further before he turned his attention to the other guard, who looked alarmed at the sudden presence. He raised his gun just as Jacques reached him and punched him squarely in the face. He stumbled back in pain and clutching his nose – he turned his attention to the two lovely ladies tied up in front of him.

“In need of a rescue?” He remarked, and removed a pocketknife to cut free their ropes. Before he’d made a dent in Olivia’s, the two patrols came skidding around the corner from the commotion and raised their guns to fire at Jacques. He ducked around the corner of a stack of boxes to shield himself from the barrage of bullets.

It wasn’t much of a protection, the wood splintering immediately. He circled around more stacks and the bullets followed until he’d nearly doubled back on the pair of them. It gave him the chance to pick up a lid that had come off the crate nearest to him and with abandon, he swung it hard into the face of one of the men the moment there was a break in the bullets. He dropped nearly instantly from the force of impact, leaving just one man left. He turned and raised his weapon to fire – Jacques flinched as a gunshot ran out. He expected to be shot.

Instead, the other man let out a guttural scream of pain and dropped to his knees, clutching his now bleeding thigh.

“I found a gun.”

Jacques’ head snapped up to see Lemony descending in a small metal elevator from the upper level, unharmed.

“Seriously?”

“I thought it was a better option.” He shrugged, shoving open the lift door. He was at Beatrice’s side instantly. Neither she or Olivia had spoken a word the entire time, watching the scene with mixed expressions that Lemony could not read.

Before either he or Jacques had started to saw through the ropes with the knife, they both brandished their hands. Remarkably unbound.

“Seriously?” Beatrice echoed, amused. “We didn’t need a _rescue_.”

“What?”

“We let ourselves get captured. It was my idea. We were getting information. We were just about to leave before you two dropped in.” Olivia added, glancing up at the ceiling and back at Jacques. “Dramatic. I did like it.”

“Ah, thanks?”

Beatrice stood, stretching and straightening and dusting invisible lint from her clothes. Lemony was still staring silently at her, while Jacques could only shake his head.

“Right.” Jacques sighed. “I’ll bring the taxi around.”

“What, no daring escape across the rooftops?” Beatrice asked.

“Please don’t encourage him.” Lemony muttered.

“Now that you mention it -.”

Olivia glanced between the brothers, then back at Beatrice. Without another word, the ladies started off at a brisk pace toward the fire exit of the warehouse.

“Next time,” Lemony paused, looking over at Jacques. “should we call ahead?”

“Don’t. Just – _don’t_.”


End file.
